


where i thought i was safe

by smallredboy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aftercare, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Safeword Use, Whipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 08:13:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12406545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: Alexander safewords out.





	where i thought i was safe

**Author's Note:**

> i decided to stop putting "modern au" in the tags when it wasnt important to the story so...this is modern au. tw for nongraphic descriptions of child abuse of the physical kind. 
> 
> enjoy.

Alexander didn't want to think anything bad would happen. He'd smiled to Hercules, kiss him, tell him he'd be alright. He hadn't told him that part of his disastrous childhood, but he needed this. Or so he thought until now.

Hercules massages his rear before he goes get the whip. It's a cat of nine tails, and Alexander's hands are already trembling as he's on all fours in the bed. He hopes nothing will happen in his brain.

Hercules says, "Color?"

"Green," he replies, "Go for it."

The whip falls on his lower back with a thud, and he hollers in pain. Another thud. It's all too similar and suddenly he's in his house in Nevis and there's a belt and — he's crying. He's nine years old again and he just fought with another kid and his whole body shakes.

He barely remembers he can get out of the situation but he screams "Red, red, red, red!" all the same. Hercules drops the whip and takes him into his arms, but even that is too much. He squirms and pulls away and sobs softly, his body too big for what he's feeling.

The marks in his back have long been gone, but they hurt the same right now. He doesn't hear Hercules' worried voice, how he's calling John and Lafayette. He's shaking and he cries as he calls out and begs in a murmur for his dad to stop, to stop, to stop, please.

He's bombarded by memories of the belt against his back, the scars, how he could barely move while his dad told him to suck it up. His mom tending to his injuries, promising him they'd leave him someday. He left first.

"I'm sorry, Alex," Hercules says, a big hand on his cheek. He tries to back away but ends up sitting statue still, his gaze focused on one of the boxes, the world blank and scary. "I didn't think — you should've told me."

"I'm sorry!" he says, voice raised. Hercules looks at him with a raised eyebrow and pulls his hand away. "I thought I'd be fine but I'm not, I just think— my dad—" Asphyxiating. It's asphyxiating.

He dissolves into nothingness when John and Lafayette barge into the room and soothe him. John mutters encouraging words while Lafayette plays with his hair, Hercules kissing him all over. It hurts, so much, but it's manageable when they're there to hold him together.

He sniffles. "I'm sorry. I fucked up so bad."

"It isn't your fault," John says, kissing his cheek. "You didn't think it'd be so terrible for you. It's alright."

"I could've avoided this."

Lafayette murmurs French close to his ear. He holds close to him, clinging to him with his nails digging into his jacket. He doesn't mind, simply petting his hair and kissing his eyelids. "Mon cour, it's alright. Nous t'aimons."

"I'm so stupid, I deserved that," he breathes. His self-loathing shines a light on him and he's suddenly too exposed and his nakedness makes him uncomfortable. "If Hercules whipped me more I wouldn't mind. I shouldn't mind."

"Non, non, non!" Lafayette exclaims, hugging him close. His fingers, his long nails brush against his pale skin. "You deserve nothing that'll make you have flashbacks, mon amour. You don't deserve a whipping. You don't."

"Laf is right," John intrudes, kissing his cheek. "You don't. You want your clothes back?"

"I-I'd like to have a bath first. I'm really sweaty."

"That's alright." Hercules has a guilty look on his face when he plants a kiss on his nose. "John, can you put the water on?"

John says, "On it!" and goes to their bathroom.

"I'm… sorry," Alexander sniffles, "I just... couldn't do it. I got flashbacks immediately."

"It's alright, babe, listen," Hercules says, holding his hands in his. "You don't have to apologize. Some kinky stuff just doesn't work out, be it for trauma or not being into it. I don't hate you for it."

Alexander licks his lips. "I guess," he says. Hercules kisses him in the mouth, soft and well-meaning, and his demons are appeased for a few seconds.

When he gets in the bath, it's warm and almost purifying, as if he's never been touched before and all of him is clean. John shampoos his hair and Lafayette kisses his skin, massaging his back and putting cream on the new whip marks. He can't look at his back now, that's great.

He stays there until his fingers start getting wrinkly; Hercules wraps him in a towel and he stays there, in the towel in their room for long minutes. Lafayette and John talk about him in front of him, knowing he's listening and giving him reassuring smiles from time to time.

"I'm just scared," John says before turning around towards him, eyebrows furrowed. "Okay, babe, one sub to the other — have you ever felt like this over play before?"

Alexander pauses and stares. "Not... not with you all, at least."

John raises an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"I went to a play party once." Hercules bites his lip and sits next to him, hand on his knee. "I panicked after the dom told me to 'man up' and 'stop being so whiny' during a scene. It reminded me of my father too much."

"Did the dom respond well?" Hercules asks.

He nods. "Helped me ground afterwards. It probably wasn't the first time he got traumatized men submitting to cope." He's far away, everything is hazy and he wishes he could just sleep after getting his hair so wet. "I need a nap. It's around five, right?"

"Yeah, you can nap," Lafayette nods, and takes a look around the other two. "Maybe we all should nap. You two look tired."

"I am," Hercules and John say in unison. They look at each other, grinning. "Let's go, Irish boy," John continues.

Soon they're a tangle of limbs in their expensive, big bed. Alexander wouldn't trade his boyfriends pressed against him for anything in the world. It's nice, Hercules' arms wrapped around his belly and John's face buried in his neck as Lafayette spoons Hercules and starts snoring.

"Good night, Herc."

Hercules kisses him. "Good night. Sleep well."


End file.
